I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
