It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
