I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
