I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
