Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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