when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I will pee on everything he values.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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