How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
