Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
