i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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