I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
