Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
