I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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