went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
