i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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