A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
