He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
