Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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