Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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