dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
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I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
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The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.