Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.