nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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