Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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