i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
