she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
