So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My cat gives me a boner
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I got inside last night via doggy door
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
