i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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