so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You smell like stripper and shame
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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