last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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