woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
