Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
