No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
