Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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