Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Someone signed my nipple.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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