he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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