I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
