I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
