i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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