My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
