You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
