Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Randomize
