come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.