If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
