Having a random hookup so left but love u
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo