If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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