Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
