Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
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We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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