if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
