shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
