he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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