he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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