If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
