Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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