I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
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