I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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