Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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