Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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