What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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