I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
