hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
