I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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