No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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