My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
