I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
