Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
